No more

I've come to the realization that I am not one of those people blessed to be able to live a full life while blogging about it. It has to be one or the other, and if I'm not busy living my life, what would I write about? I hold no ill will to those who are able to do both. There are several blogs that I enjoy following. But I do not enjoy thinking of how long it's been since I blogged. If it causes me stress, what's the point? I have other means of sharing what I want to share with those I want to share it with. I belong to a couple of great email groups about unschooling, and of course there's facebook. Even those get to be too much for me sometimes and I sit back and watch for a while. I will be leaving these posts where they are, as I like the ease of retrieving a past thought or quote. But I will no longer going to be adding to this blog. That affects all of about 10 people, lol. I just want to make it official, and not just another neglected project. Love ya!

Hello...

So, not quite a year since I've posted here. When I last posted, I was about to begin Hep C treatment. You can read that story here. Long story short, I am healed. I've tested negative for a viral load since last September, my first check after beginning treatment. I have one more blood test, in 2 weeks, after which the doctors will consider me cured.

We're all introverts here, and staying home while I felt bad during treatment got us into a do-nothing rut. It's been nice to reach out lately and meet new people, have new experiences. I went out for coffee with some friends last night. I enjoyed that so much. It's something I just don't do much. Well, really, it's something I've now done exactly twice.

Hubby is still dealing with back pain. He had spinal fusion surgery in October, and is healing slowly. I hate seeing him in pain everyday. It's not bad everyday, but he is always in pain. He amazes me. He still gets up and goes to work while Son & I sleep even though he's in pain. His office operates on a 4 day work week, and most weeks he works 3 days. Thankfully, he can make up some of that time working from home. His job has gotten stressful. The company he works for was in charge of debris removal from drainage areas after hurricane Gustav in '08. Not long after, the bill was rejected by FEMA. It was a case of "we're from the government and we're here to help." Let's just say FEMA is stupid and won't pay. So the bill then goes to our parish (county). The parish "president" cries foul, says he never okayed most of the stuff done, he didn't know what was going on, back pedaling, not my job, etc. Sorry dude, but it WAS your job, and your job only. The fight was played out in the local paper and Hubby's company was really drug through the mud (not to mention the 4 million dollars they are out), and the company is struggling to keep business. Hubby's job is not directly threatened by this, but he takes on the burden anyway. This was a drainage issue, and he is THE drainage engineer in the parish. Work just isn't fun for him anymore. And still he goes, in pain. The people he works for are really good people and they've done so much for us in the last 9 years.

Son is really blossoming. He'll be 14 in a few days, and he's officially taller than I now. He's also taken on daily bike riding and guitar playing. He's gotten very good and comfortable with both. In April, he decided to be baptized. He then decided to get involved with the teen ministry at our church. They have a Wednesday night service, where he learned about the summer internship program - Tuesday & Thursday from 8AM to 5PM, and Sunday mornings 9 - 12:30. Throw in the Friday night recovery program I attend, & my car's making 7 trips to church a week! But it's worth it to see the enjoyment he's getting out of it. He's making new friends and growing in his faith. And I am getting used to letting go a bit.

I've been trying to grow my soap site without any money to do so. I've never wanted it to become a job, taking up everyday, but I need to have more sales to justify the web site and supplies I have to buy. I do have a facebook page, and have several "likes" from people I don't know, so that's good. But I'm still not reaching enough people.

I'm also beginning to get back into photography. I got out of the habit of carrying my camera with me, and need to get back to it. I forget how much I love photography. I love to take candids, of people and of wildlife. I love "wait for it" images - setting up and just waiting for the perfect moment to capture. I used to love to just go driving to find things to photograph. The heat and the cost of gas limit that now, but I still need to get out and do it now and then.

My baby...

Lately...

So Friday I will begin treatment for Hep C. If you'd like to follow that story, please visit my healing blog.

But I've not just been preparing for treatment. I've been very aware that we now have a schooler 2 doors down. It's a rental house and the family has an 18yo son and a 13yo daughter. Every afternoon, about 3:05, the bus comes down our street. Yuck. The sound makes me queasy. Nope, the bus was not a fun part of my day.

And so many friends on FB posting about back to school. I know, we are a minority, but it's just so "in your face". I'd imagine this is how my non-participating friends feel at Christmas time. Part of the angst is that we aren't active with an homeschool groups right now. We belong to 2, and they have email groups, but we've not gone on an outing in several months. The last one was to go ice skating. Truth is, G's just not interested. He's more of an introvert than his dad and I are. He has his 3 friends that spend weekends here, and he has many cyber friends as well. For now, that's meeting his social needs.

Very recently he's come to me bored a few times. Poor kid can't wait to have a job. For the money, of course, but also to have the responsibility. He's taken on a lot of little jobs at home, which is nice since I'll probably need him a bit more while in HepC treatment. He's just so mature for his age, and it's hard even for me to remember he's *only* 13. Being 5' 4" tall doesn't help! He and I are nearly eye to eye now. And if I call home, I have to ask, "what are you doing?" before I know if I'm talking to my hubby or my son.

Speaking of hubby, he's going to have back surgery again before the end of the year. It's bad. He can hardly walk. His leg muscles are just gone. He's waiting to see how I do with treatment before scheduling his surgery. This will be more invasive than the last. He'll spend 3 or 4 days in the hospital, and then be in bed at home for 3 weeks.

And my poor darling lost his grandmother 2 weeks ago. She was just a month shy of 90, and lived at home, on her own, until her last hospital stay. She went peacefully. After my MIL died 12 years ago, Grandma really became all the more a treasure to us. She was G's only great-grandparent, and I knew her longer than I knew any of my own grandparents. I'm thankful for all of the trips we were able to make to see her. She was about 2.5 hrs away and the trip was rough on hubby's back. We saw her last in March.

"chores"

Have you ever asked your kid to clean the windows?

Me neither!

Why?

Why do adults think berating their children is small talk? I get ill standing in check-out lines hearing the complaints; "they'd play games all day if I'd let them", "they complain about school", "I cant wait for school/summer camp to start", "I could never spend everyday with my kids". So why did you have those kids? To send them away as soon and as often as possible? To have someone to control? To make yourself feel powerful?

It's bad enough when this disgusting banter is just among adults. But when I see little ones at their feet as they spew this garbage, it kills me. What kind of message are they hearing? "You can't control yourself," "I don't trust you," "I don't like being with you." Wow. How very sad. All of this negativity gets internalized whether you think they hear it or not (they do hear it and it doesn't go over their heads). "I can't control myself." "I cannot be trusted." "I am not worth spending time with."

I do not believe in praising every little thing a child does. That can be just as damaging, setting a standard that no child feels they can retain. "I have to be better."

Every child is an individual, God-created to be a unique person with unique talents and needs. I believe in guiding children, assisting them, to learn what those talents and needs are and to honor them. Take the time to get to know your child, and allow yourself to enjoy them just as they are.

And then..

Minutes after my last post, I got a phone call. It was the hepatology PA I'd seen in NOLA Monday. She ran blood work, and I also had an ultrasound of my liver Thursday.

I will be having a liver biopsy. Not because anything looked bad on the ultrasound, but because of other test results. It was determined I have genotype 1 which is the most resistant to treatment. The biopsy will tell us if there is damage and if so what "stage" it is, and therefore give us a better idea of whether or not to go ahead with treatment.

So right now I am praying for no liver damage. But my gut tells me that I'm going to get my miracle "the long way around", meaning successful treatment. In my heart, there is NO fear. But in my flesh, there is panic. I dont want to go through this. Who would? Since my will and God's will are seldom the same, I'm just moving forward in faith. Yesterday, I was afraid. Today looks better. I'm sure I'll have some anxiety everytime we approach appointments, but that's just nervous anticipation. In my heart of hearts, my deepest soul, I know I will be fine. It's the unknown parts of the journey that have me a little shaken.

Forgiveness

So, baggage. I don't know about you, but I recently found out I was carrying much more baggage than I thought I was. It's time to put it down.

I have memories of specific incidents that were still causing me pain. The ones I was having the most trouble with were times when I know the hurt was not intended. And somehow I had myself convinced that since there was no ill-intent, there was nothing to forgive. I went as far as believing that if I "forgave" them, I was saying what they did was wrong, and they just didn't mean it. It finally clicked that since forgiveness is for my healing, their intention didn't really matter. I still have to forgive and let go to be healed.

One small example I recall: I was about 8 years old. My parents and I were downtown and walking toward the City Hall building. I asked why we were there and my dad turned around and snapped "To put you up for adoption." He didn't intend to crush me, but he did. He "just" wanted me to shut up (that's another post). And I knew he wasn't serious, but it hurt to the core none-the-less. Thirty-six years later, I still remember it in great detail. And I have to forgive this and other incidents if I want to go forward. I have to forgive every time it comes to my mind.

There are some incidents where harm was intentional, but those do not involve my parents. The perpetrators are no longer in my life, but they still invade my spirit. When they do, I rehash the incidents and I stand up for myself. That sounds like it would be healthy and helpful, but it really isn't. I'm still giving energy to the hurt, and sometimes I actually get more angry and hurt by reliving things that all happened over 20 years ago. I have to forgive each person each time it comes up.

Then comes forgiving myself. Believe it or not, I have to forgive myself for the times I was hurt by others - because all along I believed I was in some way responsible for allowing them to hurt me.

Then there was the biggie. The one thing I regret with all of my heart. If I could go back and have just one do-over... I can't even think about it without crying. I regret that when my son was born I was not strong enough to demand he not be circumcised. (And please, if you circ'ed your sons and have no problem with your decision, don't condemn me for my feelings) I didn't want to do it, but I allowed those around me to convince me it was okay. Yes, he's "okay" now, he even knows he's circumcised, but there's no way of knowing what altering his body on his second day of life changed about him. It's his body and the choice should have been his. And he had complications too. Out of respect for his privacy I won't go into it, but when it happened the doctors and nurses all said it was not uncommon and it was a result of being circumcised as though we should have known.

I'm part of a women's group at church and we've been focusing on forgiveness the past 2 weeks. I've learned more and let go of more in this time than at any other point of my life. I am being Healed and it feels really great!

Spring

We've had beautiful weather the past week or so. Most days have been in the 70s with a few even warmer.

My Azalea plants are blooming like never before. I have at least 10, all in pots. We have clay soil, and I'd never been motivated to do the soil prep necessary for them to survive. We've lived here almost 20 years, and I've only planted 2 larger plants - one ligustrum and one camellia.

But this year I am motivated. Read that as "I am not so depressed and in pain that I do nothing until it's too hot." I feel good now. My body pains are gone, and my mood is good. I'm sure the 2 are related. I am still taking 8 - 10 fish oil caps a day and the difference is huge. Not only has it done away with my joint pain, stiffness, and soreness, I have not had a bout with uveitis since I began taking them. For over 5 years, I had small episodes almost monthly and 2 or 3 times a year, I'd have a week (or more) long episode. Now, nothing.

I am healing. I am healing from the inside out. So many little things that used to add up to me feeling lousy physically or emotionally (or both) are just gone. And all the glory goes to God. I was put at the right places, and brought to the right people at the right time. It's a long long story, but it's all God, and it's ongoing.

Back to my gardening. As I look out of my window right now, there are squirrels, cardinals, and doves all in my line of sight.
Today I discovered an azalea that's not blooming was full of fire ants (yep - full of bites, on top of last week's poison ivy). It was one I wanted to put in the ground, but the lack of blooms had me puzzled. I hope to save the plant and rid it of the ants because it's a deep red bloom.

Anyway, I pulled it out of the pot to access the ant situation and I discovered a germinated pecan! Thank you squirrels!
So I am now growing a pecan tree in a pot. It would be cool to have a pecan tree.

So far, I've gotten a satsuma tree and a crepe myrtle in the ground.

And I have a hole almost ready for the first azalea. I intend to go on planting until it gets too hot. I've placed everything where I'd like to put it. I've always kept my potted plants on the front porch to add color to the front of our house. This year, when I brought them out of my laundry room (where they are for winter), I put them in the back yard. I am enjoying them so much more there! I can see them all day long. And it's not costing me anything. We've been piling up leaves from the oak tree for many many years and I am finding the most incredible dirt at the bottom.

Back to digging!

Potential

I begin this post by apologizing to my Yankee friends still in the depths of winter.

Today, it's 70 deg and sunny. Just as soon as this post is written, I will be back out in it. I drug all of my potted plants out of the laundry room and screened porch and into the backyard today. Many thrived well. They like the fluorescent light they've been exposed to, and they've mostly avoided the frost.




Some look pretty rough...




But there's new growth!




The Periwinkle at the base of the Live Oak is sprouting nicely




And I found these tiny flowers in a neighbor's yard while chasing Missy today



I'm considering leaving my plants in the back yard since I'd see and enjoy them so much more than on the front porch. The front needs something - maybe just some small hedges.


So... Potential. Will this get deep? Depends on how much time I get here. :)
As of today, no plant, regardless of appearance, is declared dead. Even the brownest twigs still have a "bounce" when twisted - they don't snap like dead limbs do.

And I am also declaring that I am not dead either. I am growing (on the inside only I hope), I am learning, I am aware and absorbing all I can. The sunlight really does make me *bloom*. I let that get away from me last year. I'm not sure why, but I let spring go by without enjoying it and went straight into summer, which was just too darn hot. I will continue to reach out and connect where I can. I am feeling much better than I was last year. Perhaps that's the difference - no pain this year.

I'm full of potential and I am going to recognize and celebrate and stretch it.

February?

How did the month of January go by so quickly? I still have Christmas lights hanging outside, and the decorations are still waiting to go in the attic. We've had unseasonably warm days and ridiculously cold days. Today is too cold for me. Our little house just can't warm up.

The boy continues to grow at a ridiculous rate. He will pass me up soon. My shoes are too small for him! He had a bad round of the flu. Not that any flu is good, he was just very sick for several days. So was his dad. I take many more supplements than they are willing to take so I was only sick for 3 days and considered it a bad cold. But they were both much sicker than I. They are taking their D3 vitamins now! Poor Greg still can't hear from fluid in his ears - he ended up at the doctor's office with an infection.

Speaking of supplements, I started going to the chiropractor in December. Well, to go back a bit further I had been in pain all over for several months. Joint pain, bone pain, headaches, and uveitis. In August my eye doctor recommended I see a rheumatologist. I pretty much blew that off because of the cost. Then Greg had a kidney stone in September for which he had to have lithotripsy, so our deductible was met. I had uveitis flares in October and November so I made an appointment w/the rheumatologist - in mid-December. By Thanksgiving I was just miserable with pain. Getting out of bed was painful. Rolling over in bed was painful. It took a long time each day for me to be able to move around from the stiffness. I was ready for medication. Nothing I was doing was helping.

I figured it wouldn't hurt anything, so I finally called for a chiropractic appointment. I got in that day and saw him 4 times that first week. He sees the supplements I'm taking and asks about how much fish oil I was taking. At the time, I was taking 2 capsules a day, if I remembered. He said to start taking much more - like 8 or 10 a day, for inflammation. That was cheap and safe enough to try, so I began taking 3 capsules 3 times a day. Within 2 weeks of supplements and adjustments I was 80% - 90% better. I did a little research and found that ginger is also good for treating inflammation so I began taking that 3 caps/3x daily as well.

Two months into it, I have no joint pain and very very little pain in my right leg (this was excruciating for a long while). I'm now seeing the chiropractor every 2 weeks and still pain free. If I feel a twinge of pain coming on, I take more fish oil instead of a pain reliever. I had a uveitis flare for about a week in January, but it didn't last as long or hurt as constantly as in the past. Oh, and I've lost 10 pounds too. Yes, I am moving a bit more because of the lack of pain and maybe I'm not snacking so much (since I know that processed foods make inflammation worse), but I've not done enough of either to explain 10 pounds. I wonder if the inflammation in my body was actually adding weight, or if perhaps the fish oils are changing my metabolism. I'm not finding any info referring to either. I'm not really concerned about the cause, just curious. :)

As for the rheumatologist, I have a follow-up apointment in March, 12 weeks after the initial appointment. I had 7 vials of blood drawn and over a dozen x-rays that day and I've not been contacted about any results. That leaves me to believe that this doctor thinks 12 weeks is an acceptable waiting time for test results. Not my idea of a good doctor, not even a decent one. So I'll be contacting his nurse to get my lab results and cancelling my follow-up. I think God planned for me to see both doctors while I financially was able. I've seen the difference in how I am treated and know I do not need the drugs I was originally going to the rheumatologist to get.